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But the high-tech hardware is more fun to look at than the transforming robots, the plot is as preposterous, and although the noise is just as loud, it's more the deep bass rumbles of explosions than the ear-piercing bang of steel robots pounding on each other. Yet I say this movie is certainly better than "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." How so? Admittedly, it doesn't have as much cleavage. Using the power of logic, you deduce that the first thing was aiming at the second thing. You get more of a binary action strategy. There is never any clear sense in the action of where anything is in relation to anything else. It must be only in your Coke that it floats. We thought ice floated in water but, no, you can see big falling ice chunks real good here. At one point the ice cap is exploded real good so it will sink and crush the G. You think construction costs are high here. And Cobra headquarters are buried within the miles-deep ice of Arctic. It also has a sequence set in the Egyptian desert, although there are no shots of dead robots or topless pyramids. Why is this, you might ask? Because Japan is a huge market for CGI animation and videogames, that's why. The two teams also each have a skilled Ninja fighter from Japan. We guess he's a contrast to the calm, macho heroism of Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Joe" gives us Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), who is comic relief, says black stuff, and can't control his high-tech armored suit, so he runs into things. But because us fans liked the two jive-talkin' robots in "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," "G. They have leather fetishwear and are seductively made up, but are otherwise honorary boys, because us Joe fans don't like to watch a lot of spit-swapping. President ( Jonathan Pryce) asks incredulously, "Don't they have any demands?" His role is otherwise limited to being briefed about the Joes.Ĭobra has a woman named the Baroness ( Sienna Miller) to match Scarlett of the Joes. What is Cobra? What nationality are its leaders, other than Scottish? What will it gain by destroying world capitols? Reader, I do not know.
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World records don't last long these days. I should have been carrying a little clicker to keep count, but I believe that director Stephen Sommers has more explosions in his movie than Michael Bay had in "Transformers 2" only last month. These plot details are not developed at great depth, because the movie is preoccupied with providing incomprehensible wall-to-wall computer-generated special effects. He uses verbal commands to fire his air-to-air weapons, after a fellow Joe named Scarlett ( Rachel Nichols) intuits that McCullen would have programmed his plane to respond to Celtic, which, luckily, she happens to speak. A Joe named Ripcord ( Marlon Wayans) commandeers the enemy's rocket airplane and, even though he's never seen it before, flies it so well that he catches up to the Moscow missile and destroys it, and then he turns around and flies halfway around the globe to chase up with the missile headed for Washington. How fast are these missiles? They rocket into space and zoom down to earth. But that's the kind of detail I tend to get wrong, because that's more fun that getting it right. The third one is destroyed, and if I'm not mistaken the fourth one is forgotten by the plot and is still up there somewhere. He launches four nano-missiles at world capitols. His conquest plans are not sophisticated. Why is McCullen so pissed off? His Scottish clan was insulted centuries ago. This weapon has been invented by the evil disfigured scientist named McCullen ( Christopher Eccleston), who steals it back from the people he sold it to, and plans to use it to conquer the world. The Joes, as they are called, are needed to counter "nanomites," a secret weapon that eats up people and buildings and stuff.